Less-Than-Five-Minute Makeup Routine, With A Dash Of Millenial Slang

I'm really trying to get into the habit of posting this blog every Friday, but tomorrow I'll be on the road for a good chunk of the day, then I'll be road-tired and road-crabby, so here it is! On Thursday! I hope my college professors are reading this right now. I GOT SOMETHING IN EARLY WHASSUP!! (People still said "whassup" when I was in college.) (I think.)

You know when you have five minutes to get out the door, but you're going to a place where you feel like you should have a little makeup on? This is the case for me more often than not, and not because I don't know how to organize my time, rather because I am unconscionably lazy, and will often leave face-grooming until the last possible second. Is this because I really don't want to wear makeup and feel like everyone should just be okay with my face as is?  Buckle in for my OPINIONS about the body politics of wearing makeup. So here's what's up: first, my less-than-five-minutes makeup routine, then my thoughts on wearing makeup vs. not.

My five minute routine:

If you really really only have five minutes, (because of inertia or because you are simply the president of Give No Fucks, Inc.), you need to prioritize. For me, that's eyes. I have big eyes that I like but pale lashes, so mascara is the first thing I go for.

1. Mascara. Current fave: Michelle Phan. Classic fave: L'Oreal Voluminous

2. Foundation or BB cream. I'm at the age now where evening out my color just looks nice. Because my pale complexion causes me to disappear into the ether, and comparably makes me look sick next to all y'all, I use the very lightest color year-round. Can't stress this enough: GET ONE WITH SPF. Oh, you live in Yellowknife and don't see the sun? How sad for you! GET AN SPF! (No joke though, if you actually live in Yellowknife/Minnesota/Scandinavia, get a lightbox, eh?) Current fave: Lancôme Teint Miracle in ivoire. BB Cream: I haven't found one I love, but that's because I need a little more coverage. I'm using a Pixi primer sample I got in my Ipsy bag, but I don't love it. It's fine as a primer, although I can't even find it on the internet, so maybe it's only visible to me from another dimension. Mysterious!

3. Blush. Fave: Clinique in pink

4. Lipgloss. Kept in each purse. Current fave: Smashbox Reflection High Shine Lip Gloss in bubblegum pink (actually hardly any color).


So there it is. Actually, I just timed that, and it takes me 3 minutes and 41 seconds!


Not everyone's baseline comfort zone is makeup, and I think that's cool. I don't wear it during the day because most of my day is spent homemaking and parenting. I think natural faces are gorgeous, so I will be the last person to advocate for a marathon makeup regimen. The reason I like to put on even a minimal amount if I'm going out is because it makes me look, and therefore behave, in a more present and attentive way. If I've taken even a few minutes in the mirror to shine up, it gets me into a good zone of communication. I want people to get that vibe from me, so I try to spend a few minutes on my face if I'm going out.

In sum: Do your thing.

Next week I'm going to do a post about natural/organic cosmetics and if they're worth the price and effort. Preview: No, not really worth it.

Glam Slam and Day Faces

It's been soooo loooong....

Let me tell you, Astute Readers, I have had quite the winter. I have birth to my second precious girl, Baby JJ, who joins sister Bubbles, though not in the conventional way. Read about Baby J.J. here.

I don't wear makeup on the reg right now...I'm just a person who can't make myself bother if I'm not going anywhere "fancy." Makeup gets applied (usually) for coffee with friends, meetings, school functions, dates, etc. It's freeing for me to be without makeup,  even though (I'll say it) I just like my face better with a little color. I have pale eyelashes and no cheekbones, and a slightly patchy, VERY pale complexion. So hey, a little evening of color on my face is nice when I take the time to do it. Lately, it's a dab of Lancome Teint Miracle (fuller coverage, I like that now), a nice little palate of NYX "Love in Rio" palette, Michelle Phan Clean Volume in Black, whatever blush I grab, which is either a Smashbox bronzer (the only one they have) or a Clinique rose. (Both are fine and I prefer designer blush to drugstore blush, but I don't think either of those are particularly special.) I finish it with this with a clear Smashbox gloss. That routine? WAY TOO MUCH WORK FOR ME. But I like the way it makes me look, and that's worth a lot. What's your day face? Do you change it up, or is it the same every day?

Way back in the mists of time, which was last fall, I wrote that I was going to order the Ipsy Glam Bag. And I DID. And it is FABULOUS. Every month, I get a cute little mini-bag filled with full-size versions of FUNNESS!!! (Use of fake words and lots of exclamation points makes you seem young. I'm sure I'm right about that.)

The November Glam Bag! (colors are tailored to the subscriber) 

I wanted to blog to promote the Glam Bag, because it's a little bundle of happiness at my door every month. Bubbles and I look SO forward to it every month. It always has fun, shiny stuff for her that I can borrow if I need to do a drag show, (in...female drag, I guess) and is customizable to your skin tone and style.

Here ya go:

http://www.ipsy.com/

Ipsy was founded by Michelle Phan, whose mascara came in one of my bags, which is now my favorite mascara. Y'all, you KNOW the right mascara is key. It's also a highly personal choice, dependent on needs and lashes. Anyway, ten clams a month! DO EET.

More reviews coming soon!

Mascara, and what colors to put on your face this fall!

Me at 80. 

I don't know what kind of mascara you like. I like big, goopy, spidery, fake-looking eyelashes, but I'm too lazy to *actually* wear fake eyelashes, so I do the best I can. One of my alert readers asked what the differences among the wands might be. I am of the opinion that there ARE differences, actually. 

Here are my personal favorite mascaras, what kind of brushes they have, and then some alternatives if you don't like fake-looking lashes and want something more natural. My experience with mascara is that you really don't need to spend a lot of money. ALL mascaras are hit-or-miss, no matter what price point you go for. I've tried at least four high-end mascaras, but I'm going to skip those for now because these were better, for some less than a third the price. (Although if you want the high-end ones, I can talk about those next post!)

Loreal Voluminous: You can't go wrong with this one. It has a curved curling brush. I get in in Very Black, and it makes my lashes very big, very long, and very smooth. In short, my lashes look almost-false. You can find coupons for this stuff, too! 

Maybelline The Falsies: This one also has a curved brush, but with fuzzier bristles, as you can see in the link. The brush gives a slightly thicker, smudgier look than the Loreal Voluminous. The link is to the waterproof version, which I never use, but if that's your bag, knock yourself out! 

Loreal Paris False Fiber Lashes: This mascara has a cone-shaped brush. It does the same job as the other two, but the other two, with their curved brushes, will get your lashes a little curlier. The only reason I like this one a little less than the other two is that it seems not to last as long. I know, I know, the "experts" say that you should keep your mascara no longer than 3 months, but straight up I keep that shit for as long as I'm still getting a lush coat of it on my lashes. I'm thrifty. I don't know if y'all can tell when mascara is running out, but that feeling kinda gives me the heebie jeebies...something about expecting a nice full sheen of it and getting some dried-out half-assed layer. No bueno. 

But hey, what if you don't want big, fat lashes? What if you like a more natural look? I AM HERE FOR YOU MY FRIENDS. 

THE MOST POPULAR MASCARA IN THE WORLD! Yep, it's good ol' Great Lash. It doesn't flake, it doesn't smudge, and it doesn't give me the look I like, but it does give a nice medium-length look that doesn't look like Spider Eyes. 

Benefit BadGal: Good quality stuff. Leaves your lashes nice and feathery-soft, but not much curl or dramatic effect. I find this to be the case with chubbier brushes. But it's still a very classy mascara. 

E.L.F Mascara: This link says it's $3.00, but I found it for a $1 at Target. You know, for that price, this stuff is pretty good. Let me stress, for a natural look. It won't get your lashes really big or dramatic, but it never clumps or smudges, so I flip it on to run errands or the like. It has a snowman brush. The little tip is for your bottom and outer lashes! 

Okay, here's one mascara I DON'T like: Clinique High Impact. I find it to be a weird consistency, kind of runny, which is bizarre for a mascara, right? Because it's kind of runny, it gets into my eyes, and it stings. Sorry, Clinique...I like your foundation, mascara, and lipstick, but your mascara flubbed the triple salchow. (Or, as I used to think it was called, the "triple sow cow.") 

Miss Richfield 1981 wants to know, 'What are the hot colors for fall?!' 

I won't go into fashion, but I'll stick to makeup trends/colors. 

Foundation is matte, matte, matte! Use a thin layer so as not to get too thick. I'll do a post on my favorite powders soon, since you'll need a nice one! If your current foundation is going on too thick, mix it with a few drops of water, okay? Cool. 

Eye shadows are pewters and purples, metallic! 

Nail colors are also metallic, again pewters, teals, purples, blacks. A surprise (to me) was that "dirty nudes" are also really in for tall. Think light mauves, grays, "greige," and light browns. 

Lip colors are REALLY fun, and I for one am excited. Raspberry, "black cherry" and classic reds in. Don't be afraid to try a nude lip, either. A really easy no-fail combo is Rimmel's Exaggerate Lipliner in EastEnd Snob (a broad-appeal nude color for a broad range of skin colors) and cover in a clear or slightly tinted gloss. 

I can't find any color swatches for you that aren't product-specific, and I don't want to put something on here I haven't tried. I think you can use your imaginations on those colors, though. I HAVE FAITH. 

Thanks for reading, everyone. This has been such a great outlet for me! I appreciate your ideas and recommendations! Please write them in the comments below. :) 

Next week: What's an actual long-lasting lip color that doesn't suck, and what's the deal with chemicals in makeup? Stay tuned! 

Subscription Box Preview: WHAT'S INSIDE?? Also, BB Cream! Don't buy a shitty one!

I don't know, because I haven't received mine yet. WAH-WAH! So really, this is like a preview. I hope that's cool. First of all, what are subscription boxes? WELL LET ME TELL YOU WHAT.

There are many, many different kinds of subscription boxes you can order. My caveat was only spending $10 a month. So within that budget, I decided to chose between the Birchbox and the Ipsy Glam Bag.

Ipsy!

Birchbox! 

Which one did you choose?!

Ipsy Glam Box is the winner of the chicken dinner, and here's why: I have read the internet, and the internet says that Birchbox is has more "filler" products and less actual makeup, 'filler' meaning, like...fancy band-aids and shit. Look Birchbox, I have a five-year-old. We go through band-aids like my kid thinks they're currency. Also, I really am all about the makeup. The reviews about Ipsy were really good, and praised Ipsy for the quality and quantity of the samples. One thing I am NOT happy about is the wait. I signed up three weeks ago, and have yet to hear if I have a "spot." That's right, you have to get on a waitlist, which I'm pretty sure is bull to the shit, and also HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO IMPULSE BUY IF I HAVE TO WAIT A MONTH! I ASK YOU. 

NEXT THING: 

B.B. creams. What do y'all think? I've tried this one: 

Loreal Age Perfect BB Cream 

No. I will score this product Olympically, and give it a 2.0 coverage (to be nice, because I'm so nice), a 4 for moisturizing, because I mean...I GUESS. (I already had moisturizer on, so...) and I suppose a 10 for sunscreen properties, because...you know. Whatever? So this is really a sunscreen that made me break out. BOO-URNS. 

But what about THESE beauties? 

Clinique Moisture Surge Color Corrector

Clinique Age Defense BB Cream

Y'all know I don't believe in Anti-Aging Special Jesus Magic, unless it's going by its alternative title, How About You Try Some Sunscreen? So the name of the second product aside, these have really nice coverage with a nice SPF. My skin looked very smooth and even. Nice application feel as well. 

I'm just gonna give a quick shout-out to Clinique here for being a fairly mid-priced line that has always delivered on quality for me. I've heard rumblings lately from folks saying that quality has gone down, but I have really worked these products this summer for this blog, and I just haven't found that to be the case. I'm not going to stump for any company too laboriously, but I just wanted to put that out there. 

Another good product THAT SMELLS GOOD!! is this stuff: 

Skin79 The Oriental Gold BB Cream

This product is just rich and whip-py. Glides on SO nicely, AGAIN SMELLS AWESOME, and the coverage is really nice. It's very moisturizing, so if you have oily skin I would not recommend. As you can see in that pic there, it comes with lip and cheek tint. The tint is NOT long lasting, but it's a nice color on my super-pasty skin if I'm just getting coffee or something. That price though...I got mine for $14.50, so that link is NOT to be used...you can find it for cheaper. There seem to be lots of other incarnations of that product in different bottles, but that's the one I have. I like it a lot. 

Tune next week when I write about another thing having to do with makeup! Any requests? (I have lots of ideas for posts, but hit me up with what you want to read!) 

Peace! 

Skincare Routine!

I called this blog 'The Makeup Misanthrope,' because I like makeup and I'm kind of a misanthrope. I prefer for those damn kids to get off my lawn, I prefer to sit in the quiet, and have a mild problem with authority. For instance, I got a parking ticket today and contemplated taking it to the nearest cop shop and setting it on fire. JUST JOKES! But on the real, I'm a little rough sometimes.

Not terribly deep. Not incredibly complex. Mostly just cranky. 

But who cares about that when there is a skincare routine to talk about? Let's talk about it!

Morning: I don't wash my face with cleanser, unless I fell asleep in my makeup WHICH I WOULD NEVER DO OMG (all the time). I take a warm washcloth and gently rub my mug, then swipe it with toner  (TONER) and then moisturize. If my eyes are puffy, I cover them in the coldest water I can for some splashes. Except lately I've been using Origins Ginzing Refreshing Eye Cream for puffiness. OK! Here's what I will tell you about that product: It's worth it if you have a pronounced problem with puffiness/bags, because from what I can tell, it does do something nice to the skin there.  I have a bottle because it came with something else I bought that TOTALLY DIDN'T WORK (another post), so I'm using it because it just feels nice in the morning.

Night: If I need to exfoliate, I use my little rough shower gloves, which I got for about 2 bucks at Target. I'm not going to link to them because you can find them anywhere and they are all similar prices, and also all the same quality, in my opinion. If it's not an exfoliation day, I just cleanse, swipe with TONER LOVE IT SO MUCH, then moisturize.

Here's my products. Keep in mind I love to switch things up, so I will include several things here that I like, things I haven't liked, etc.

Cleanser:
Origins Checks and Balances. A. Maze. Zing. I have these tiny clogs in my skin, and they just take care of them so awesomely. This CAN be drying, so you'll want to tone and moisturize right away.

Cetaphil/Cerave/generic knock off: Super-gentle, I use this if I happen to feel sweaty/grimy in the morning, or when I'm exfoliating. It doesn't quite get all my makeup off on it's own, and I don't like makeup remover, so I need a cleanser to do the job. I also use this on my kid, who would prefer to never wash her face ever.

Dr. Bronner's Baby Mild Soap: We all use this in our house for faces, hair, body, etc. Can't go wrong. Lasts forever. The label alone is worth the price. Just trust me.

Brother was a freak, but he sure loved his soap. 

Toner:
Oh toner, shall I write thee a sonnet to express my love for thee? I SHALL. When I remember what the smack a sonnet is.

mmmmmkay. I'm also not sure it really matters what toner you use. Here are my faves, and they all work equally well:

United State by Origins

Witch Hazel

Witch Hazel, you cray! 

Loreal Hydra Fresh


I guess if you were going to listen to any advice I would dispense, I'd want you to listen to my toner advice, which is this: USE TONER. It doesn't matter if your skin is dry, oily, or both; toner will get that last residue of makeup/skin cells/sleep nastiness off your face, and fresh for moisturizing. If I don't use it, my face gets a slight crusty sheen to it, which, NASTY. I recommend using cotton pads instead of balls, if you want to stretch the toner further. Like I said, you don't have to break the bank, Witch Hazel works just as well as anything else, in my opinion. DO EET.

Divine says, "USE TONER OR ELSE!" 

No more bossin' ya for a bit, just had to get that in there.

Moisturizer:
Sigh. Oh, moisturizer. I just don't know about you. You are so necessary, yet so confounding. Umm...I have so many moisturizers, I'm like a moisturizer library. You could come and check some out from a cataloguing system that I made based on Dewey Decimal. JK, I don't know if that's still a thing. HERE'S THE SHIT:

I'll start with the Best Moisturizer Of All Time:        

Estee Lauder Time Zone : This stuff is just the golden doubloon of moisturizers. In fact, I feel a lump forming in my throat that I am currently out of it. It's light enough to feel smooth and absorbent going on, but rich enough to actually work and look great under your makeup. It should NOT be my favorite: It's anti-line/anti-wrinkle creme, which usually makes me break out, but this stuff doesn't! It rilly rilly doesn't! It smells so good you will want to sniff your own face all day. (I tried to.) If moisturizer is a big deal to you, and you haven't had good luck, and you can splurge a bit, you CANNOT BEAT THIS SHIZZ.

Cerave: This is the Amish wife of moisturizers: works hard, doesn't complain, and doesn't wear buttons. Really, though, this stuff is awesome. It doesn't smell like anything, but if you have skin that is even slightly sensitive, Cerave is the way to go. You can't beat the price, and that link is to the AM and PM version. The AM version has a nice SPF which is a big deal to me because white girls can't jump, but I only use the PM version in the dead of dry winter, because it's a little rich for me. The ingredients are nice, in that there aren't any fake ones. By "fake" I don't mean "all natural," because "all natural" doesn't necessarily mean much in the cosmetic industry. I mean it doesn't have a bunch of fancy pants garbage added at the end to look awesome. Like I said, Amish.

Pond's: Another stand-by! You might think only your grandma used Ponds, and you would be RIGHT. It smells like a woman named Dorothy, and I heart it. Cheap as chipper chicken, works like a dream. The only thing you won't like (or if you're me, YOU WILL) is that perfume-y smell, but it goes away after you apply. For moisturizing purposes, (and if you're stuck somewhere in the woods and the only convenience store has one jar of Ponds) rest assured it is a treat. (I also like the cold cream, but that's for winter, sillies.) I'm not linking because come on. Ponds.



Now we come to the new experiment. Just picked up this little beauty:

A Perfect World SPF 25: Don't know yet. Hasn't made me break out. We're having a hotter-than-the-hinges-of-hell-heatwave here in sunny Minnesota, and it hasn't felt heavy at all. So that's a plus. Is it worth the price? It feels better to me than Cerave, but not better than Pond's. It does smell better than Ponds, though, and my skin looks better than when I use Ponds, but keep in mind I'm also pregnant and drinking TONS of lemon water and taking prenatals, so that makes a difference too.  I would still go for Estee Lauder.

Quick aside about night cream: I generally don't use it in the warm months, but in the winter I need to. I repeat myself by saying I don't believe in anti-wrinkle stuff, and it also makes me break out, so I strictly use it for moisturizing. Cerave PM, Ponds Night Cream are great bets, honestly. However, I have a sample dark horse in the running: Weleda Baby Calendula Cream. I specifically got it to try to tone down my red blotchiness, and after four days, I gotta say, I'm pretty impressed. FYI!

Tune in next time when Pregnant Girl Wonder dishes on subscription boxes! Coming down the pike: BB creams and what the heck are they and what is my fave? My love for lemons! And My Current Dream Product: Will it be BS or worth the money?

Hiya, also FOUNDATION.

HAI.

Here I am. Doing this because I love love LURVE any and all makeup products. I love trying them, love telling people about them. I like cheap and I like pricey. I can drop hotness at Walgreen's or Sephora, don't matter none. The packaging, the smell, the texture, the different uses. I like trying this shizz WAY more than I like actually wearing it.

My personal style is Midwestern mom meets middle school art teacher. I like T-shirts, jeans, and Converses when I ain't doin' nothing. I like flowy knits and sandals with chunky jewelry and wild hair when I'm out with my guy or friends. I keep up on fashion, including couture, but rarely wear any of it. I stick to the basics.

I'm very stingy with my money, and love nothing more than to tell you when you're being ripped off and when you're getting a good deal.

Not a "can't-leave-the-house-without-makeup" kind of person. Today I went to the co-op with my kid and wore yoga pants and a tank top with flip flops, frizzy hair, and nothing on my face but moisturizer. That said, I also like slathering on the slap, the actual act of applying makeup, and being creative with products and application.

                 

  My favorite look, y'all! 

My beauty "philosophy," which I am making up as I type this, is "wear what makes you want to accomplish what you need to in a day." If that's nothing, great. If you want to do full-on eyes/lips/greasepaint, knock yourself out. Do what you want, and don't let anyone OPPRESS you with their RULES, MAN.

My idea for this blog is the post stuff that the average gal can do and afford, and answer questions she (or he, for that matter) might have. I like all of the body things. I get my stuff from Walgreen's, Target, Sephora, makeup counters, and online. There is nothing beauty or fashion-related that I'm not fascinated with, although fashion is more of an admiration-from-afar kind of thing, mostly because I am too lazy and need to be too comfortable to wear much more than my uniforms.

OK! ENOUGH INTRO! With no further ado, I bring you my first topic: Foundation. My skin is dry with oily T-zones, commonly called "combination skin." I had mad acne when I was in college, but I took Accutane and that cleared it up. (Don't take Accutane. For another post.) My skin now is pasty, and even in the steamy sun of a Minnesota summer, I have to wear the lightest shade of foundation, for I am a person of the dark, furtively spending my life in the cool darkness of the underground, while the world plays in sunlight. ANYHOOTS. I like pricey foundation. It smells good, lasts longer, and the coverage is usually pretty great. THAT SAID, you do NOT have to splurge on foundation. Revlon Age Defying has a nice whipped quality to it, and the coverage is nice and moisturizing. It's wear is long enough, nothing to write home about, don't get excited, but at about $10 a bottle, I think it's a good value.

Estee Lauder Double Wear Stay in Place Makeup is better, for about $40. Is it $30 better? Depends on your needs. It smells better, and the coverage is great. The finish is very smooth, no flaking or curdling grossness. I was also really happy with the color.

For coverage, you really can't beat Mary Kay for quality and value. It doesn't smell that awesome, but you're probably sitting there like, 'What is this woman's obsession with things smelling good?' and you probably could give a rat's ass what is smells like. If a rat's ass is not given, then this is the foundation for you. I use it as more of a concealer, actually, but that's not it's purpose, go all out. My only complaint is that I can't find a color that works perfectly, so it's not my go-to, but I still use it for funky-colored areas. Dude, the price! SRSLY.

Bobbi Brown Corrector.  I know people think this is the kitty's jammies, but the kind I picked up about a month back is not impressive. Granted, it could be the way it's packaged: I got the compact instead of a bottle, but if I'm paying $40, it should be good. It look cakey and doesn't glide on well, although it seems to last relatively well. The color does match my skin tone, so I wear it as another concealer, mostly around my nose and mouth where I have red patches. I wouldn't buy it again.

AIGHT! Message me in the comments with other recommendations, if ya got 'em, or questions if ya got those, too.